Dreams and Fear

There is no doubt that I have lots to learn.  I mean LOTS! Bunches! Oodles! Mammoth proportions!  You get the point.

Lately, I’ve been dealing with the thing of dreams and fear.  I heard it said once that “a dream deferred does not equal a dream denied”.  (Allow me to add a personal AMEN! right here.)  The long windy journey called my life does actually have a point.  I may not be able to clearly articulate said point but I know it’s going somewhere.  Each of these twists and turns and delays are all perfectly orchestrated to shape me into who I’m supposed to be.  And who is that?  Well let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

I’m definitely a dreamer.  In the past decade, I have traveled and had a wide range of experiences all in pursuit of one dream or another.  At each turn and challenge, there has been an element of fear to overcome.  Nothing has felt like this wall of fear that I currently face.  Not really sure what to do with it.

I’ve been reading some interesting articles about Fear of Failure.  Fear of failure is very real and it immobilizes.  Here’s some food for thought that I’ve gathered:

  • “He who never makes mistakes, never makes anything.” –English Porverb
  • Failure is not a personality characteristic.  Look at failure as an event, not a person.
  • Stop seeing success as good and failure as bad.  Failure is feedback, a learning experience.
  • “It is the want of diligenc, rather than the want of means, that causes most failures.” –Alfred Mercies
  • Consider the costs of missed opportunities.
  • Burn the boats.  When ancient Greek armies traveled across the sea to do battle, the first thing they did after landing was burn the boats, leaving them stranded.  With no way to make it home besides victory, the resolve of the soldiers was stregthened.

I have yet to come to any grand conclusions, but I’m experiencing something I learned a while way ago”:  I am free to do what I can do, and PRAYERFULLY handle what I cannot handle.  At an appointed time, God will do in me what he has planned.

“Dreams that lack an element of fear require no faith and are not really dreams at all.” –Me

Posted in Christianity, Future trippin', Living the Dream | Leave a comment

A Son of the King: Rev. Lucius Walker (8.3.1930 – 9.7.2010)

On September 7, 2010, a great man went home to be with the Lord.  Even though I only met him once, something about him really impacted me.  As a part of applying for medical school in Cuba, persons who pass the interview portion are invited to an overnight retreat.  It was at this retreat that I met Rev. Lucius Walker.  Prior to meeting him I had already been warned that he was not to be taken lightly and I didn’t.  No one who met him could.
Rev. Walker had a grace and disposition that spoke volumes even when he spoke very little.  For his portion of the weekend, we had a mini intro to Cuban-American relations.  And  when I asked him to tell us more about himself, his only response was a smile. 
Though I do not fully know about the politics surrounding his causes, I do know on that weekend, I met a great man who stood tall for what he believed.  His faith in us as medical students was amazing.  His love and attention to our needs was genuine.  Having just listened to the audiobook of "Developing the Leader Within You" by John Maxwell, I can say I have met such a leader.  He not only led others but also led others to lead others.  Rev. Walked loved the people and knew they were his most appreciable asset. 
In his 80 years, Rev. Walker touched a whole nation of people and countless others.  Now I must examine my own life and wonder, what will I do with my years?
So many more words could be applied to this moment, but I just want to close with this: Father God, thank you for allowing me to meet one of your sons, a true giant.  May you bring peace, comfort and love to fill the huge void that his absense will leave.  And may his legacy live on in a manner befitting a son of the King.  Amen!
Posted in Living the Dream | Leave a comment

Older = Simpler –> NOT!

For some unknown reason, I thought that as I got older life might just get a little simpler.  NOT!  That is sooo not the case.  Like while in Grand Cayman going to medical school, I thought I was on track, things were going according to plan.  Then poof, it ended faster than it began. 
Now, I’ve been accepted to medical school in Cuba.  Granted I had a little unease in my gut, but really I just figured it would go away if I pushed ahead and did it.  But no peace means no go.  And so on tonite, the eve of what I thought would be my departure to Cuba, I’m sitting in Indianapolis without a ticket or a clue as to what’s really going on.  Mind you, I really like Indy thus far, probably more than I ever expected.  My job is getting off to a slow start but I like it as well. 
But but but…I have all sorts of turmoil as I wonder what in the world is really going on.  I pray and pray….and now, I have lots of questions but no answers.  I don’t doubt God but I do wonder if I can hear Him…
Whatever fooled me into thinking life would be simpler as I got older…You got me….joke’s on me.
Whatever lies ahead…I have no earthly idea…
But as my Aunties and Uncle sang a few months ago at our family reunion, "Lord, whatever you’re doing in this season, please don’t do it without me."  And all that I don’t know…God I want you more…  I trust that I will know what I need to know when I need to know it.
Posted in Future trippin' | Leave a comment

Don’t think so much…

An older, wiser co-worker was sharing some wisdom about life, and two things stuck out to me "don’t think so much" … "just go".  She went on to say that you should do what you really want, sometimes it doesn’t turn out the way you would like but at least try.
Makes me think of the quote "Love God with all of your heart and do what you love" (or something like that).
So many decisions in such a short time.  Hmmm….
A familiar "tune" is on the "dial" and my heart’s not in it, maybe I’m just scared….
Posted in Thoughts & Stuff | Leave a comment

…and on…

So life has been going on…AND ON…  How so?  In all kinds’a stuff.  Since February, I’ve had a change in managers, switched jobs, moved again, and started anew…and possibly even on the verge of starting anew again. 
Life is full of all kinds of unexpected stuff.  LOL!  I didn’t start this entry with an idea in mind, so let’s see where this goes.  Hmmm…
Oh I’m in the Atlanta area by the way.  And it’s not as bad as I expected to live here.  I’m not in love with the city but it’s ok.  I’m getting around just fine.  Much better food options!  That makes me very happy.
My new gig is a gig, not something I love or want to do forever but it works for now.  It’s being what it’s supposed to be for me for now.
Someone said something to me the other day that still has me thinking.  "Whenever God moves you, it’s about you….something in you need to change."  Needless to say lots in me needs to change, and I wondering what this move is about specifically.  For example, a guy at my job thoroughly irritates me.  I wonder is this apart of that shaping, sand paper deal, cause if it is he’s doing a good job of rubbing me the wrong way.  Not sure what I’m supposed to "gain" from this experience, and sadly it reminds me of someone else I met while in Grand Cayman.
This possible next step is huge.  I’m not even sure how to break it down into bite-sized pieces.  Wait, I don’t have to, it’s already done for me.  I just have to stay focused on the real, true target of my affections.  Like why am I here in Atlanta right?  Cause it is a practicle blessing and this is where God put me.  Even little irritating guy at my office, gotta put it into perspective…he’s not the focus. 
I’ll be moving on…
Posted in Thoughts & Stuff | Leave a comment

Life Continues…

I’m finally remembering that I’m going through the transition phases.  Kinda weird how you know stuff but forget to apply it to life.  The four H’s of transition (as we learned them in Mercy Ships): Honeymoon, Humor, Hate it, Home!  I think I’m somewhere between "Hate it" and "Home".
This whole give God you life and dreams thing is soooo much more involved than I first expected.  Trusting Him is going to a whole new level.  Faith is believing in what you cannot see.  Right now, I can’t see a thing.  Some have even laughed AT me b/c me not having a "plan" is simply unheard of.  The joke’s on me…ha, ha.  I have no clue what’s going on.  Before, I’ve at least has some inkling or glimpse of something, this time it’s completely by Spirit.  I dare not say feel b/c emotions are too unstable of a thing to base life on.  I’m choosing to wait on His plan and not go my own way, no matter how tempting it is.
Reminds me of when I first started out in Seattle.  There were so many days I wanted to throw in the towel and go home.  Of course, now I am home, so not sure where I’d go if I threw in the towel.  Anywho!  The first months of my 3 1/2 years stay in the Emerald City were trying times.  I berated myself constantly for being so stupid for even going there.  Of course, now when I reflect on that time, it’s the joys God had in store that I remember most, not those first few months.  The difficulty of that time was real but it in no way eclipses the awesome time I had there and still have whenever I make it back for a visit.
The journey is bumpy, has some discomforts, but struggle and frustration and pain are necessary.  Imagine a stretch of long country road with a some potholes and bumps winding through beautiful scenery.  When you get to the end, what do you remember most–the bumps or the scenery? To think that one can get from Here to There without discomfort or suffering is unrealistic.  The reality is these so called "negatives" make the "positives" all the more sweeter.  At some points, it may seem unbearable but Life continues…  Praise God!
Posted in Thoughts & Stuff | 11 Comments

Never be the same…

This morning I’m reminded again of God’s promises.  It has been interesting.  Since second semester or earlier, I’ve heard God stressing two particular scriptures to me.
The first is Joshua 3, particularly verses 1-5.  Joshua, the successor of Moses, tells the people to consecrate themselves in preparation for crossing the Jordan River, which was at flood stage.  Not only that, they would need to follow the ark of the covenant because they had never gone this way before.
Secondly, Revelation 3:8.  God promises an opened door.  Beyond that, He sees my deeds and knows I have a little strength.  God knows!!!
To some reading this, this may not mean much to you, but for me, it gives me hope.  And even though I’ve read this scriptures over and over again to the point of having them almost memorized, I keep reading them, because I need to set my eyes on God promises repeatedly so that I don’t lose sight of Him.  Previously, I had an entry titled Walking on Water about the day I truly wanted to quit medical school.  And if truth be told, I probably would have walked away from God’s plan.  Glimpsing God’s vision still doesn’t mean that I can choose my own path to get there.
Like the children of Israel, I have some things I need to learn along the journey.  So in this portioin of scripture from Joshua, they are not just crossing a body of water but transitioning from one season of life into another, never to return again.  The people were instructed to consecrate themselves; consecrate means to be set apart for a specific use.  Also they were to keep a set distance between them and the ark of the covenant, so that each person could see for themselves.  In being able to see the ark, each one made a choice to follow the presence of God. 
They were leaving the wilderness, which represented their home, familiarity, lifestyle and mindset of wonderers, their birthplace.  Upon crossing the Jordan, they would enter the Promised Land, the place that none of their relatives, except Joshua and Caleb, could tell them about.  It was a new place prepared for them by God, with a new type of provision, new challenges, a stationary place to put down roots, that required a new mindset.  They were expected to remember what God did for them during this time but would never return to the wilderness.  When they crossed this great body of water, life would never be the same…
Posted in Thoughts & Stuff | 5 Comments